What to do when you’re crushing on a friend (who doesn’t feel the same)

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Having a crush can be a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute you’re riding high, messaging back and forth, imagining your first apartment together, and the next you’re impatiently waiting for a message, wondering if they feel the same, imagining them with someone else (while sadness and anxiety sink in). 

Rejection from anyone can be painful, but it can be especially confusing if your love interest is a friend. When this happens, you might end up in the “friend zone,” where you’re still a part of your friend’s life, but not in the romantic way you want to be. In a CampusWell student survey, over half of respondents said that this has happened to them at some point. In these cases, where you both care about each other, it’s not as simple as “moving on” as you would after a breakup. 

Nobody is immune to rejection—it’s a part of life that most people will face at some point. Rejection has been associated with feelings of depression, anxiety, jealousy, and anger. It’s even been documented that heartbreak can cause feelings similar to physical pain. To top it all off, rejection by someone you care about, like a close friend, has been shown to feel way worse than rejection by a stranger.

“Rejection is hard—you’ve put your feelings out there to someone, and they don’t respond the way you’d hoped. It’s natural to feel disappointed or hurt,” says Dr. D’Arcy Lyness, a psychologist and behavioral health editor with Nemours KidsHealth.

These big emotions might feel unmanageable, but know that you’re not alone. Even the world’s biggest music stars can credit their success to a song or two inspired by rejection. Read on for tips on how to handle the friend zone, respect the other person’s decision, and cope with all the feels.

Share without expectations

If you’re planning to tell your friend how you feel, be prepared to share your feelings without having them reciprocated. “It’s a good idea to be aware of what your expectations are in advance and prepare for all possible reactions,” says Hope M., a second-year student at the University of Arizona Global Campus. “Based on how each possibility [might] make you feel, think about whether you want to share these feelings or not.” 

Since this can leave you feeling vulnerable or emotional, decide whether or not you’d be comfortable with doing so in person. It’s totally acceptable to share your feelings via message, where you can fine-tune what you’re going to say and deal with the response (and your own emotions) in private.

Give (and take) some space

Once you’ve told your friend how you feel, give them space to process the news. You could even plan your “feelings” conversation so that it occurs at a time when you’ll be busy with activities or social events in the days following. That way, you’ll be distracted, interacting with others, and less likely to focus (or obsess) over their response or lack of. 

Choose not to share your feelings

Choosing not to disclose your feelings is a completely valid option, too. You don’t have to tell your friend/crush how you feel, but you may want—or need—to limit your interactions with them if you are struggling to maintain your happiness or mental health. This is also a great time to…

Focus on other friendships

Now is the time to widen your circle and spend time with other friends who are supportive. It can be easy to get tunnel vision and fixate on someone when you have a crush on them, but social support from friends can help with depressive and anxious feelings. 

Practice self-compassion

“It’s easy to get self-critical, but don’t be hard on yourself,” says Lyness. “Use your thoughts to help you cope. For example, instead of telling yourself, ‘I’ll never find someone’ or ‘I’m not enough,’ be kinder toward yourself—and more realistic—in your thinking. Try: ‘It didn’t work out this time, but at least I put myself out there’ or ‘It would have been great if the other person felt the way I do, but this time it’s a no. I’ll keep meeting new people.’”

Laugh it off

Put on a hilarious movie, share some funny IG memes with friends, or get tickets to a local comedy show. All these options are not just a welcome distraction but can actually help you feel better, since research shows that humor can help people cope with feelings of sadness. A 2021 study showed that humor was linked to better well-being for those experiencing difficult feelings from unrequited love. 

Respect their decision and boundaries

Strong feelings can be hard to manage, but it’s important to accept when someone isn’t into you romantically. “It’s OK to feel the way you feel—and it may take time for your disappointment to fade. But it’s not OK to let strong feelings lead you to cross a line with your actions,” says Lyness. “Be sure that how you act respects the other person’s feelings and choices. If you’re having trouble with this, reach out for support from friends and/or from your student counseling services.”

If you’re experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741.

Know when to salvage or end the friendship

“Some people can maintain a friendship—for others, it doesn’t feel possible or comfortable. Some may need to take some space to get over the other person, and that’s OK too,” says Lyness. “It takes time to accept the things that we can’t control. Whether the person stays in your circle of friends, or you only run into them now and then, it’s always best to treat them in a way that’s friendly, kind, and respectful. Wishing the best for them can help you feel more openhearted and accepting—and can ease your feelings of rejection.”